doubt..

Reading today's gospel made me realize that most of my life I doubted the Lord. Just as Peter doubted Jesus in the gospel. I used to doubt a lot. “Is He listening? Does He love me? Am I really His son?” I often times see me, lost and feeling abandoned. I was so selfish that I only see is misery and sadness. Never being thankful for what is in front of me. Nothing was enough. Nothing is too much. I want everything. “No” is not acceptable. I hurt people with this kind of thinking, especially my family.. Especially my family.. Doubt, such a dubious word. A feeling of betrayal maybe? Betrayal of our trust of something? Could be. But why do we doubt? Is it because we need proof of something for it to be real? Or is it because it's so incredible that we need to see it to believe it? Sometimes those things that we don't see are the best things that happen to us. I used to be a doubter of His magnificence. I used to believe that all the things I accomplish are because I alone was responsible. I placed myself upon a pedestal claiming all the glory for myself for all the honor and prestige I have. Never stopping and thanking the Lord. Then everything was taken from me. I was down, so down that I was jobless and broke. Then I blamed God. Wow, how stupid I was back then. Taking all the credit but placing all the blame in God. Such a foolish way of thinking.

We are witnesses to his work, the little miracles He shows us should be enough for us to believe in his power. The very fact that you and I are breathing is evidence enough that his work never ceases. Sadly at times we neglect to find the true meaning of our purpose. When at times we don't get what we want, we doubt His love and we turn to blame. We forget that there must be something that He is telling us when He does not give what we ask. Remember God has plans for us. Each and every one of us has a unique role that we will play in this drama called life. It is not up to us but it is up to His will. Looking back I see my past as God's plan of preparing me for my purpose. Such a cliché but its true. Now everything I do, I do in his name. All that I am I offer to God. I know it's too whimsical, but it is what it is. I proclaim His name, I am renewed, and I am a believer.